Muggle studies - Year One
by FanFicSheWrote
Summary: Who better to teach muggle studies then a muggle? Well, squib but whatever. Story follows professor Esther Bloom try to fit in with the magical world of Hogwarts. Every day life stories with humor, romance and what the f*ck is a basilisk! (takes place COS)
1. Running Late

**AUTHORS NOTE:** **I own nothing but original characters and extend my thanks to the original author for their work.**

 **A MUGGLE AT HOGWARTS**

 **(TAKES PLACE DURING SECOND BOOK)**

 **CHAPTER 1:**

 **RUNNING LATE**

"Bugger it!"

The muggles stared openly at the strange woman running down platform 10 at kings cross station, her luggage wobbling dangerously behind her as she dragged it along.

At a glance she seemed like anyone else there, leggings, ankle boots and a baggy white t-shirt that said "I'M NOT A MORNING PERSON". Yes, aside form the fact she was clearly dressed for bed she appeared very normal indeed. Look- she was even wearing a black bathrobe...

The woman ducked and weaved between benches, bins, and bystanders seemingly looking for something; what for, no-one could guess there were no trains on this platform -the service was delayed by half hour. Maybe she was foreign and hadn't understood the announcement from earlier?

Why is she running at the wall- _ **oh my god**_!

There was an awful crashing sound as the woman ran head first into one of the division that parted platform 10 from platform 9. It knocked the woman back, landing painfully against her luggage, not to mention the stream of blood that now poured down her face from her nose.

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu..." The woman groaned. She got up slowly, and looked around bleary eyed and confused. She then pointed her fingers at each of the stone arches she had past between the platforms and seemed to be counting each one.

"1...2...3...4-oh BUGGER!" She grabbed her suitcase and dragged it back to the previous division, it's stone arch seemingly unmoved by her presence.

The muggles near by who had politely turned away from her, while strategically watching her every move as only a British person could do, were amazed and relieved to see that she had disappeared. Hopefully onto another train and far away from their commute.

Esther almost knocked down a first year as she swung her luggage onto the Hogwarts express, a baggage handler caught it and put it in storage with the others.

Esther wondered briefly if she had packed everything and then decided it was too late to worry now and all that running had exhausted her. She just wanted to find a quiet compartment to 'sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up' in as her father would have said.

She passed students in their robes saying good bye to their parents; tears, laughter and reunions were in abundance as the children shared what they had gotten up to that summer. Esther would have thought it sweet if she didn't want to currently kick something. Stupid alarm clock. It now laid in her house in a broken smoking heap she thought proudly. She looked around briefly for a moment as she stood to get on the train. It was a platform like any other but you could 'smell' the magic in the air buzzing in the atmosphere. She wondered what it would have been like for her at eleven, going to Hogwarts for the first time. But alas, she went to a comprehensive school instead.

Esther chuckled under her breath and boarded the train.

Her presence was met with whispers and pointed looks once the train departed in a haze of smoke. She had managed to find a compartment to herself and had extended her legs comfortably to the seat opposite. Despite looking outside seemingly entranced by the passing city and trees she was really watching passing students reactions to her in the window. The older ones had figured out she was a new teacher, the first years adorably thought she was a 'special' case here for tuition and one third year thought she was here to keep an eye on them after the Weasley twin's _fiasco_ last time.

Esther wanted to know what happened last time but she was still tired and decided to rest instead. Her head bumped pleasantly on the glass window until she drifted off...

"Anything from the trolley, dears?" Esther jolted awake at the pleasant sounding voice, through cloudy eyes she say a round woman in red pinafore with a smile on her face pushing around a refreshment trolley covered with every confectionery item known to man. Esther, reluctantly gave in to her baser urges.

"Chocolate." she said getting some money out of her pocket.

"What kind dear?" asked the woman.

Esther looked at her blankly then realized the small boy sitting in the compartment with her who looked incredibly nervous. _How long had he been there?_ , Esther pondered.

"You, boy," The lad jumped in his seat with a small squeak.

"What chocolate is best?" Esther asked him.

The pale boy, obvious second year, looked from Esther to the trolley lady and piped "Frogs!"

Esther offered him a small smile,

"10 frogs please."

"Ten?" whispered the boy. Ester's grin widened. "Each."

The trolley lady smiled and gave them their frogs before leaving to tend to the other children. The compartment door slid shut with a hiss and the boy stared in awe as Esther began counting out the frogs. Putting one in her lap and one in his. The rest sat in a pile nearby ready to be eaten.

"These better be good..uh...what's your name?" Esther asked, unwrapping the first one.

The boy picked at a frog cover but didn't unwrap it, as he looked down his black bowl hair cut fell just enough to cover his face. "Roland, Miss."

"Alright Roland, I'm Esther Bloom. And technically..." She drew her robes together and put on a mock superior tone "That's professor to you!"

The boy looked terrified

"I'm so sorry Professor Bloom I didn't-"

Esther felt guilty immediately, clearly this kid wasn't used to jokes, Esther felt a bit sad at that notion.

"Don't be silly, I was only joking – But I am a professor though, that bits real. I don't have a degree or anything mind, but Dumbledore did definitely give me the job. I asked like five times, I couldn't believe it either. Sorry, I'm rambling aren't I? Ignore me Roland, eat your frog."

The boy nodded mutely and began to open his wrappings.

Esther picked the box cover open and - "WHAT THE SHIT?!"

Roland jumped again "What, what is it?!"

But it was too late, the chocolate frog inside jumped onto Esther s chest as she squealed, swatting at it, until it jumped onto the floor and wriggled under the door frame to terrorize the other students.

Esther looked at Roland pointing a shaking finger at the door.

"What was that Roland?!" she hissed.

"I-it's a chocolate frog!" Roland squeaked.

"Its alive!"

"No! No, that's just the magic!" Roland explained desperately, poor boy seemed scared to death of getting into trouble.

"Their supposed to do that?" Esther asked disbelievingly, heart calming down, anger subsiding.

"Yes, um...have you never had one before?"

"No, muggle chocolate stays put thank you very much..."

"Muggle?...do you live in a muggle neighborhood professor?"

Esther smiled, twinkle in her eye as she leaned down close to Roland. He leaned in to to hear her whisper;

"Yes Roland...because I am a muggle."

The boys reaction had been priceless, torn between getting a prefect to wipe her memory to asking a gazillion questions about how and why she was here. That at least was easy.

She told him how Dumbledore had approached her six months ago and asked her to take over muggle studies at Hogwarts. She was more then surprised given that the last time she had seen or spoke to a wizard they were informing her and her family she was not eligible for magical education as her talent for spells was denied 'squib' level.

Esther gleefully tells Roland she is 'magically retarded', so even though she could sense and notice magic when she was younger, enough so the ministry made inquiries but not actually enough to get her in. Roland looked sad for her, she put a stop to it immediately.

"Oh no, don't give me that face, Roland. Magic is not the be all and end all of life, I've had a very splendid time without magic thank you very much. I went to a good school – alright, a school anyway. Made good friends, had a few...interesting jobs and you know lived life like anyone else, well anyone muggle anyway. So maybe I don't have a wand but you know what I got, Roland.?"

He looked at her waiting...

"I've got 8 GCSE's 4 A-levels and a diploma in teaching." She gestured with her hands: "Boom!"

Roland scrunched up his nose.

"What's a GCSE?"

Esther looked at him for a moment and tilted her head. "You know what, I never learned what that stood for."

They sat in companionable conversation for the rest of the trip, Esther told Roland about the muggle world and Roland explained some of the things she would need to know about Hogwarts.

Moving staircases had taken her aback, that was going to be interesting hungover.

Eventually the train pulled into Hogwarts station, more like a rain shelter with a platform. Esther looked out of the window in time to see a hulking shadow stalk past with a booming voice.

"FIRST YEARS WI' ME, TO THE BOATS NOW, YOU LOT!"

"What the-"

"That's Hagrid, the goundskeeper." said Roland., hoping down from his seat to get his suitcase overhead.

"Oh, right, the giant you mentioned."

"half giant."

"Are you sure?" Esther muttered looking at the size of the scraggly man.

Roland turned to face her.

"I, um, I better go... Non first years get the carriages to Hogwarts for the feast."

"Feast?" Esther asked excitedly.

Roland nodded, Esther grinned, yes, food!

"Alright then, Roland.,"she extended a hand, "Good to meet you, thanks for keeping me company and I expect you to be a bad ass at muggle studies when class starts."

Roland turned red and shook her hand enthusiastically.

"Nice to meet you too!" he cried before turning heel and running off.

"Cute little weirdo." Esther smiled softly.

Luggage in hand again, Esther was guided to the teachers carriage, it seems everyone else somehow 'magically' got here before her. Esther sniffed, easy for some she thought. Still the ride was a pleasant one and she sat back and relaxed. She was not even phased that there was nothing pulling her along. Her conversation with Roland. made her realize that if anything happened she could not explain the best response was to chalk it up to 'magic' and forget about it.

She leaned back into the soft velvet seats and watch the trees, tall and green roll by. The stars were out too which was nice. Then after a few minutes she saw it – Hogwarts.

"Christ on a bike."she whispered. She knew Hogwarts was a castle, because you know – 'magic' but she did not realize how magnificent it would look, even in moonlight it was grand, a huge stone building with sprawling towers and lights in every window. It looked like a fairytale then Esther figured because _it was_. She felt a small pang of regret for her younger self suddenly. She had never regretted being raised muggle but looking at this... it made the new professor wonder what her life could have been like...

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 **AUTHOR'S NOTE: **

**Hi,**

 **Thank you for reading this chapter. I welcome any and all feedback particularly with the writing itself as well as the story. Updates to come soon so please check back.**

 **Regards**

 **x**


	2. First for Feasts

**MUGGLE STUDIES -YEAR ONE**

 **CHAPTER 2:**

 **A FIRST FOR FEASTS**

Esther vacated the carriage and heaved her luggage off, thankful for the handle to drag it along as she stared up at the stone entrance tot he great castle. Swarms of black robed students passed her by with pointy hats. She could have mistook it for some muggle private schools if it wasn't so – 'magicky'.

She could almost feel it tingle on her skin, though perhaps that was the cold, Esther wondered if she would have time to change. Where was she supposed to go again? What about her luggage – damn. Better just follow the minions, and follow she did. The entrance lead to a set of large wooden double doors that opened with a slow yet majestic groan. Esther's breath caught in her throat and she joined the chorus of first years going "oooooh and ahhhhh"

The great hall was definitely great, the largest room Esther had ever been to, it was more of a cathedral complete with large windows and a high ceiling. Four long wooden tables stretched out its length and at the farthest end stood the teachers table, made obvious only by Dumbledore – in his finest lavender suddenly standing and gesturing to Esther.

"Ah professor Bloom, welcome," he waved his hand at the empty seat next to him." Please come join us while everyone gets settled."

Esther waved and began to drag her luggage behind her suddenly a tad self conscious.

 _They have robes, real robes. That bird with the glasses is wearing_ _emerald_ _, and I'm wearing a large black cardi from primark_. _Bugger, bugger, bugger-_

That's when she noticed the candles. High above in the ceiling hidden amongst magical clouds where hundreds and hundreds of candles floating in the air. Esther wondered briefly what their electric bill would be like running those all day then realised duh, magic. Then she wondered whose job it was to light the blasted things.

She walked around the table, the whole hall abuzz with chattering behind her. She stood her luggage next to one of the large stone columns and took her place next to Dumbledore, who patted her kindly on the back as she sat down. Esther smiled politely and said a quick hello or a nod to the other teachers at the table. _My colleagues_ she though with a strange feeling. Definitely not the usual job she took.

Dumbledore leant softly to her shoulder. "Everything alright my dear? Journey good?"

Esther nodded

"Yeah, it was fine thanks, bit of a hiccup in the morning but you know, made it in one piece-"

There was a loud resounding knock at the double doors to the hall, Esther wondered when they had closed. Dumbledore stood regally and said in a clear voice.

"Enter."

The hall became quiet and all the student heads turned as the doors opened.

The emerald lady entered with a flock of first years behind her who followed timidly and full of wonder. I must look like that half the time, you're not alone kids! Esther spotted Roland looking terrified and resisted the urge to wave. _Mustn't have favorites...in public anyway._

The children were brought to the front of the teachers table where an old, moth ridden wizard hat was laid on a small stool. All was quiet for a moment and Esther was about to ask if 'something was broken?' when the mound of fabric came to life. It's folds mumbled as lips and a cheery yet powerful voice emanated within.

 _Oh you may not think I'm pretty,_  
 _But don't judge on what you see,_  
 _I'll eat myself if you can find_  
 _A smarter hat than me._

 _(Oh My God -It's Singing!)_

 _You can keep your bowlers black,_  
 _Your top hats sleek and tall,_  
 _For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat_  
 _And I can cap them all._

 _There's nothing hidden in your head_  
 _The Sorting Hat can't see,_  
 _So try me on and I will tell you_  
 _Where you ought to be._

A rough looking man with a dirty brown janitors coat hobbled up to the table and whispered something in Esther's neighbors ear. She looked out of the corner of her eye. The man next to her looked sullen, his brow cast in a frown his black, lanky hair just came under his chin and he suddenly rose in a flurry of black cape as he followed the janitor man quickly and quietly through a side door. Now he looks more like a sorcerer...

 _You might belong in Gryffindor,_  
 _Where dwell the brave at heart,_  
 _Their daring, nerve, and chivalry_  
 _Set Gryffindors apart;_

 _You might belong in Hufflepuff,_  
 _Where they are just and loyal,_  
 _Those patient Hufflepuffs are true_  
 _And unafraid of toil;_

 _Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,_  
 _if you've a ready mind,_  
 _Where those of wit and learning,_  
 _Will always find their kind;_

 _Or perhaps in Slytherin_  
 _You'll make your real friends,_  
 _Those cunning folks use any means_  
 _To achieve their ends._

 _So put me on! Don't be afraid!_  
 _And don't get in a flap!_  
 _You're in safe hands (though I have none)_  
 _For I'm a Thinking Cap!_

The hall erupted in applause with some eye rolling from the older years, they must be used to this by now Esther thought, but she felt it was nice – _weird_ – but nice. Even she had to applaud a singing hat.

The Emerald Lady spoke with a crisp Scottish accent, the kind you'd rather die then contradict. She reminded Esther of a great aunt she used to have who smelled of cats and gave bitter tasting sweets every visit. She explained to the first years they would approach one by one to try the hat who would then sort them to the appropriate house and then table. Esther watched amazed as colorful banners suddenly unfurled at the head of each of the four tables. A lion, Badger, Eagle and Snake.

 _This is so cool..._ Esther couldn't help but smile.

The first girl to try the hat was a nervous looking blonde with puffy rosy cheeks. Annable Stounch -

"HUFFLEPUFF!" The hat gave a mighty roar and the Hufflepuff table cheered.

 _Hufflepuff – just and loyal right? Of course some muggle schools had 'houses' for different classes but nothing like this-_

"GRYFFINDOR!"

 _Wait, what? They sort fast_ – the tall for her age red haired girl looked relieved and made her way to the Gryffindor table, she sat next to a pair of red haired twins who clapped her on the back. She seemed to be looking for someone -another relative, it was obvious they were family even without the hair-

"RAVENCLAW!"

 _God damnit! Who was that?_ Tall boy, brunette -glasses – nerd. Esther looked at the Ravenclaw table who clapped but wasn't as bawdy as the other two. _A table of nerds. Nothing wrong with that, smart lot but definitely nerds-_

"SLYTHERIN!"

"Mutha -wait, Roland?"

Roland rose from the chair and made his way over to the slytherin table who applauded and made room for him, he glanced back at the teachers table and found Esther smiling at him. She gave him a thumbs up of encouragement and she smiled back shyly.

 _Sweet kid, slytherin...that's the 'real' friends one, isn't that what the hat said? Never though I would say that...or think it-_

"GRYFFINDOR!"

 _Seriously?!_

The rollcall went on and Esther finally kept up, the wizard who had sat next to her still had not returned, maybe there was like a magic issue – cauldrons overflowing, trolls in the dungeons, that sort of thing. Esther giggled to herself; _yeah, TROLL IN THE DUNGEON! Lol._

Dumbledore rose from his chair once the last child had been seated and waved his hands gently, the hall fell into silence once more. _Wow_ Esther thought, _teachers don't get that kind of respect in a comprehensive, then again muggle teachers cant turn you into a frog..._

"Settle down, settle down For some of you this will be your first year here at Hogwarts and for others I say – welcome home." The old man's twinkle in his eyes made his smile warmer.

"A few announcements before we begin tonight's feast! First –" Dumbledore gestured to the opposite end of the table from where Esther sat.

"As most of you know, we have filled the position of defense against the dark arts teacher, you will now be taught by-"

There was an awkward scrap of a chair as someone stood to attention at the other end. Esther craned her head to see.

"Now, now Professor, I'm sure I don't need any introduction." The owner of the voice could only be described as a fop in periwinkle, he winked at the students who emanated hushed whispers of gossip and awe.

"Be that as it may," came Dumbledore's voice, subtly less amused. "This is Professor Gilderoy Lockhart."

"Thank you headmaster and may I say-"

"AND this.."Dumbleddore said quickly, interrupting the fop and gesturing now to Esther.

"Is professor Esther Bloom who will be taking over the teaching of muggle studies."

There was a pause, _shit._ Esther got up quickly, almost tipping over her goblet.

She waved at the students and put on her best ' _how ya'll doing_ ' smile.

"Hello everyone, I look forward to getting to know you all this year!"

She nodded and sat down again.

Dumbledore's smile returned

"Now if you'll excuse myself and Professor McGonagal where have some matters to discuss, he looked pointedly at the emerald lady -McGonagal.

"Enjoy the feast." He finished and with that food appeared on every surface in the hall. Roasted meets glazed vegetables, and the smell. _My God,_ Esther s mouth watered as she gazed around, she did not know where to begin. So caught up with the magic and food she barely registered Dumbledore and McGonagal slip out of the same door as the black wizard and janitor had previously.

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The students chatted happily with mouths half full, even Roland was engaged in conversation with his fellow slytherin first years. _That's good_ Esther thought, she was worried he was going to be one of those quiet kids with no friends. She suddenly realised she was alone too. Both seats vacated next to her. Looking to her right she saw another professor at the end of the table seemingly in the same predicament. The woman had wild sandy blonde hair and big glasses that reminded Esther of Mr Mole from the wind and the willows live version. Resolved, Esther picked up her plate and moved to sit next to her new colleague.

"Hullo" She said happily enough as she sat down.

The woman regarded her lazily, It somehow reminded Esther of someone who was drunk, w _ere their wine goblets she didn't know about? Hers only contained water dammit!_

"Hello my dear...I am Professor Trelawney..." The woman extended a frail hand as though she expected Esther to kiss it. Esther took and shaked firmly

"Nice to meet you I am-"

"Professor Bloom yes, I have been expecting you."

"Yes, well I suppose Dumbledore would hav-"

"I saw it in the tea leaves."

Esther blinked.

"I'm sorry what-"

"The tea leaves told of your arrival, yes, quite expected. And your a muggle..."

"Yes I-"

"- I saw that too in my crystal ball."

"Your fucking with me right?"

"Excuse me my dear?" Trelawney looked taken aback at Esthers language. _Shit_.

"I mean, your kidding with the muggle yeah? Tea leaves and crystal balls, your having me on-"

"My dear, I don't expect you to appreciate the mystical arts of divination-"

"Division?"

"DIVINATION – Fortune telling, prophecy, the study of the stars-" The woman actually began waving her hand at the ceiling as though she could see the future painted on the bloody wall.

 _Had to be Drunk or high, had to be._

Esther nodded politely.

"Right, yes, well I am new to all this so-"

The woman patted her hand condescendingly

"That's quite alright dear, you'll get the hang of it."

The woman paused and looked deeply into Esther's eyes still holding tightly to her hand. Esther tried to pull away suddenly freaked.

"I'm so sorry my dear..." the strange woman's voice now a sullen whisper.

"About...?" Esther was hesitant to ask.

"I'm afraid I see...death!"

"...O-kaaay." Esther pulled her hand free form the obviously crazy woman.

"Well you've given me a lot to think about I'm just going to sit over there and enjoy my meal, it was nice to meet you." Esther spoke in a rapid mumble as she extradited herself from the situation.

 _Fuck that_ she thought, are they all nutters like that? She sat back down in her original seat and took a fascinated interest in her food until the feast was over.

Sometime later Dumbledore re-entered the hall and called another silence.

"I am pleased to see you have all enjoyed yourselves, but for now it is time for bed. Tomorrow classes begin and the very best of luck this year to you all. Goodnight!"

And with that the children were dismissed. Esther sat back and rubbed her now full stomach absent mindedly, aside from the creepy gypsy teacher, it had been the best meal she'd had in years. She was stuffed.

A gentle hand pulled her from her thoughts.

"Esther my dear, A few professors are retiring to the staff room for a night cap if you I wish to join."

 _Booze?_

"Yes please..." Esther said with a happy smile. As the children followed their prefects to their houses, Esther and her luggage followed her fellow professors to the staff room.

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 **A/N: I want to say a quick thank you to everyone who has read this so far and returned for more. Particular thanks to my first reviewer: DeenaTweety, thank you for your kind words and encouragement – this one's for you :)**


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